50 Anecdotes of Painful Dumb Shadowhunters' Deaths
by RandomFandomIdiots
Summary: A compilation of non-canon punishments of disliked characters from Shadowhunters. Old bashfic with rather gratuitous violence and heavily informal writing, sporadic crossovers, and, of course, spoilers. General quality vaguely increases with time. By [BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer].
1. 1-10

**1\. Typical sword-into-chest method (SMOL evil clary)**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Clary drove Heosphoros straight into Sebastian's chest. She smiled evilly to herself as the blade crunched through tissue and bone, and crimson blood dripped from the wound. Sebastian shrieked, his legs giving way, and the blood pooled on the ground under his feet as he collapsed, clutching hopelessly at his chest, Heosphoros still sticking out from it.

"Hehe," Clary muttered to herself evilly as her stinking brother died ingloriously at her feet. The readers had to agree.

* * *

**2\. Weeping angels (DW crossover)**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian strolled away from the burnt remains of the London Institute, victorious. Mundanes were gathering around the rubble, pointing and shouting in panicked voices. Sebastian, smirking, ducked into a narrow, dingy alleyway, not wanting to deal with mundanes and their ridiculous law enforcement. Now that the London Institute had fallen, the way was clear for the fall of the Clave and their stupid, soft, sympathizer views. Sebastian whipped around at a slight sound from behind him, but it was too late. There was a cold touch on his shoulder and then he was in a meadow during the Pleistocene. He eventually died of hypothermia and being ripped apart by giant wolves. The end.

_Lol derp I'm so bad at this lmao_

* * *

**3\. The Backstabbing Servant (made up a character that is totally not a reference to a certain Isabelle Lightwood)**

[BotulisticCaboose]

"I WANT MY EVIL VILLAIN WORTHY DRINK!" Sebastian screeched, pounding on the armrest of his throne impatiently.

"Straightaway, sir." Isabella Ashwood (lmao) dashed into the kitchen to retrieve her pre-concocted hello-naughty-children-it's-murder-time drink. She brought it back to Sebastian.

"For you, sir, my new recipe, the super-über-villain-worth-only carbonated sugar drink." She held it out and bowed respectfully. Sebastian idiotically took the glass and drained it in one sip.

"More!" He demanded, slamming it back down on the tray. "I need more of this evil stuff in me—"

He spasmed suddenly, his face going red. Isabella stepped back smugly as Sebastian jerked all over, his eyes bulging. He screamed, and tumbled out of the chair, falling the fifty hard adamas steps to the court below. His head cracked open and started bleeding all over the place, and he shrieked in pain. The court cheered as he died. The end.

* * *

**4\. Crossfire (MCU crossover)**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian decided to visit New York again to try and get to know his sister better. However, this happened in 2012 in a crossover universe, and he was hit by a repulsor and launched onto a Leviathan and carried into a portal and he suffocated to death in space surrounded by creepy aliens because he didn't have a really cool high-tech powered armor with life support functions and a really awesome AI and it's really hard to think of any plans when you're suffocating to death slowly and painfully and panickingly. Then his body was blown up by a nuke (haha) and the portal closed and he was never seen again. The end.

* * *

**5\. In Which The Ten Rings Has Much Better Motives (technically MCU crossover?)**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Sebastian got kidnapped, stabbed in the chest with demon metal and heavenly fire, connected to a corrosive car battery, and dunked in a bucket of dirty cholera, listeria, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, tuberculosis, ebola, rabies, anthrax, bubonic plague, pneumonic plague, septicemic plague, tetanus, diphtheria, malaria, typhoid fever, chickenpox, measles, mumps, rubella, common sense, E. coli, Clostridium Botulinum, and salmonella contaminated sewer water in the same room as an exploding hydrogen bomb so that he died of electrocution, suffocation, organ failure, burning, radiation, explosion, and cardiac failure at the same time while also tasting sewer water and having extreme diarrhea and vomiting and nausea and fatigue and cramps and seizures and radiation poisoning and abdominal pain and chest congestion and nasal discharge and chest discomfort and liver pain and buboes and coughing up blood and seizures and fever and swollen lymph nodes and rashes and swollen salivary glands and lockjaw. The end.

* * *

**6\. Well, that was simple. (MCU crossover)**

[GingerBeer]

Thanos snapped. Half the universe turned into dust. The universe flipped a couple trillion coins. Thankfully, luck was on their side and all the villains died and no one else and the Avengers didn't bother to try to ret-con it after killing the raisin and none of them died and _everyone_ all lived happily ever after and all the ships sailed except Sebastian who died. The end.

* * *

**7\. Do Not Get In The Way Of The Ship**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Alec and Magnus got back together. Sebastian got in their way. He was swiftly dispatched. The end.

* * *

**8\. In which Clary is gaeee**

[BotulisticCaboose]

"I'm gay," Clary announced. Sebastian stabbed himself in horror.

Everyone cheered because it was a trick and Clary was not actually gay although she wasn't homophobic either and gleefully shipped Malec. The end.

* * *

**9\. In Which Sebastian Realizes An Uncomfortable Truth**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Clary pushed Sebastian off of her as he tried once again to kiss her.

"You do realize this is incest, right?"

There was a loud gasp.

Sebastian stabbed himself in despair.

* * *

**10\. Jericho (MCU crossover)**

[GingerBeer]

The Jericho missile was a missile that split into smaller missiles and could, as its name showed, take down entire cities. The area was cleared for the demonstration, but because it was a desert, they didn't check hard enough to notice a random blonde kid. Sebastian died as the ground rocked with the force of countless explosions. There was no body because THAT'S HOW OP THIS MISSILE IS. The end.

* * *

**Congrats if you haven't lost all sanity after (if) you read the whole thing by two of our not-so-esteemed authors. Kudos to you. These anecdotes are the [BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]'s way of exerting revenge on various Shadowhunters characters were ha— strongly disliked. Including a few crossovers.**

**Which anecdote was your favorite? Let us know! The next ten will be up tomorrow.**

**Thank you for reading the total crap dump from [BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]!**


	2. 11-20

**11\. Boring (BBC!Sherlock crossover)**

[GingerBeer]

Sherlock took one look at the body, at the huge, gaping sword wound in the chest leaking the crimson blood the matted blonde hair was stained with, and the multiple smaller stab wounds all over the torso and legs, before turning neatly on his foot and flouncing out of the room, despite Lestrade's protests. John followed, bemused. Sherlock never turned down an interesting case, and this teenager being killed by an antiquated weapon in a church had to be at least an 8. John told Sherlock so.

"Oh, for God's sake, John, this isn't _interesting_, it's _utterly transparent_. The motive could be told from one glance."

"Well, enlighten me, then, _oh-so-great genius_."

Sherlock glared but complied. "Force of the stab wound indicates great motivation, murderous hatred, desperation. This was clearly not an unprovoked crime, and it was probably for good reason."

"So, basically he was a jerk and someone killed him for that."

"Yes, John, that is what I just said. As always you have an unabiding love for stating the obvious."

There was a pause.

"Also, he stole my coat. I like my coat."

"Wait, what, he _stole your coat_?"

Somewhere not so far away, Clary wiped blood off Heosphoros gleefully.

* * *

**12\. In which Isabelle Lightwood happened while Sebastian was unarmed and already weakened**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

"Hello there, dear Sebastian," Isabelle whispered, stroking her whip. Sebastian turned white— wait, that wasn't possible, he was already hecca pale. Whatever.

Isabelle could already taste the salty tang of blood in her mouth as she raised her whip. "May you burn forevermore in Purgatory with no reprise or break. Actually, that's not bad enough. May you die over and over again in Hell like the way I'm going to kill you."

She chopped him cheerfully into a million pieces. Sebastian was reincarnated in Hell only to be chopped into another million pieces thanks to Crowley pulling some strings. This cycle continued forever. The end.

* * *

**13\. In which daylight happened to Camille and the ship sails**

[BotulisticCaboose]

"Don't you dare ruin my ship," Isabelle sang as she sat on Camille while she burned in a patch of sunlight. Camille died a slow and painful death and Malec sailed wonderfully. The end.

* * *

**14\. In Which Sebastian is Gayer**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Sebastian realized he was starting to develop affection for Valentine and stabbed himself in sheer horror. The end.

* * *

**15\. In which Sebastian was Finally Jaced**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Sebastian stabbed Jace gleefully but because of the heavenly fire in Jace the attack rebounded on Sebastian and Sebastian died a slow and painful death by Jacing from burning from the heavenly fire. The end.

* * *

**16\. In Which the Killing Curse is Wonderful for the First Time (Harry Potter Crossover) (Double Kill)**

[BotulisticCaboose]

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

Sebastian died. The readers cheered. Horrified, Voldemort realized he'd done the readers a favor, and killed himself in shame. There was a weird mechanical wheezing sound and Barty Crouch Jr arrived, facepalmed, and left. The end.

* * *

**17\. Lol, Who Says He Can't Save Himself?**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian kidnapped Magnus. This was a mistake because Magnus is OP and then Alec showed up and made Sebs a pincushion and he died in all the possible ways to die in agony while Malec happily sailed. The end.

* * *

**18\. Infinity Is A Big Number (MCU crossover)**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian put on a gauntlet because he wanted more power. However he was unworthy for obvious reasons and died. The end.

* * *

**19\. In Which Isabelle Gets Jealous**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Maureen kidnapped Simon. However Isabelle got super jealous that Maureen was spending more time with him, even if it was unwilling, and ripped Maureen to shreds, and saved Simon. Sizzy sailed. The end.

* * *

**20\. In Which Raphael Would Be Proud**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Sebastian kidnapped Simon and starved him. However this was a huge mistake and Simon's vampire instincts kick in. He drank Sebastian's blood even though it tasted like evil, murder, and rotten egg sandwiches unlike normal (not evil) people's blood which tasted like iron, coconut, and metal. Sebastian died from hypovolemic shock and whatever else happens when you get exsanguinated. Then Simon went back to Isabelle and they lived happily ever after. The end.

* * *

**A/N: If you're still here after the first 10, we're extremely impressed. Again, this is old, and very, very crack. If you couldn't tell already. From either the very interesting title or the very interesting first installment. **

**We promise quality does go up. Slightly. We hope. Or maybe not quality, but they do get longer on average. Though that might not be a good thing. **

**Onwards!**

—**[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]**


	3. 21-30

**21\. In Which Sebastian is the First Character to Get Allergies**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Sebastian tried to kidnap Clary and Jace, however he was lethally allergic to protagonists so he died from anaphylactic shock. The end.

* * *

**22\. More Magic (HP crossover)**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Magnus fell through a Portal while rereading Prisoner of Azkaban and landed in Hogwarts during the aforementioned book. There was a duel with Dumbledore that ended in a tie, then Magnus learned more magic from said OP fictional wizard before going back to his universe through the Veil thing in the Department of Mysteries. Then he tracked down and killed Sebastian. Malec happily sailed. The end.

* * *

**23\. In Which Reader Discretion is Strongly Advised**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Sebastian howled in pain as his two masked captors chained him up onto a hard steel chair with inward facing vIbRaNiUm spikes and laughed, unhinged, as they jabbed something into his arm.

"Arsenic," one whispered happily.

"Mixed with cyanide, thallium, lead, mercury, and shiga toxin," giggled the other as she stabbed him again with more and more needles. Sebastian felt hot pain shoot up his arm, and winced. The two captors cracked an evil grin at this show of pain.

"As well as extract from the Amanita bisporigera, Amanita ocreata, and Amanita virosa mushrooms, collectively known as the Destroying Angel mushrooms, how very fitting. Ooh, and palladium."

One captor jabbed the other. "Don't forget the botulinum toxin. Bound to give you seizures and paralysis for the few hours or so you'll be alive."

"Oh, and also, we're dumping you into the same dirty sewer water as Anecdote Five, with all the pathogens mentioned that we're not going to list because WE WANT TO FOCUS ON KILLING YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!"

"Speaking of that," said the second person, positioning what looked like a large blue lamp above the iron throne chair, "These Vita-Rays (yeah, terrible name, blame Erskine and associated technobabble) will keep you (just barely) alive and conscious throughout the whole thing!"

"Finally," cackled the first, slowly drawing up a gleaming kitchen knife "we're going to cut you in a million different places and watch you bleeeeeeeeeeeed."

The second captor made a strange sound of dissatisfaction in her throat. "That's not painful enough for him."

The first one's shoulders sagged, and she tossed the kitchen knife towards Sebastian. He twisted away, but the blade hit home, and he shrieked. The first one made no notice. "True. What else?"

"Dunno." The second glanced in his direction with a look of mingled amusement, glee, amusement, amusement, glee, amusement, amusement, utter loathing, and amusement. "Nice shot."

"No biggie. Just a little thing to keep him occupied while we discuss."

"Ooh! Radiation poisoning!" The latter jumped up and down. "Why didn't I think of that before?"

"_Brilliant_, GingerBeer! In fact, I'd ordered a radiation poisoning machine on a few days ago, but I completely forgot about it! I'll go get it."

"Thanks, BotulisticCaboose!" GingerBeer called after her.

Sebastian attempted a lazy face, which was hard to do because of the stabbing pain in his leg and arm. "_GingerBeer? BotulisticCaboose?_ What kind of names are that?"

GingerBeer produced a dangerous-looking spatula. "Problem?"

"Other than being tied up in a chair with spiky handcuffs and having a death sentence from a whole arsenal of chemicals, some of which I didn't even know existed? And the weird names you guys have for yourselves? No, not much." Sebastian attempted to examine his fingernails nonchalantly, but the spikes on the handcuffs dug into his pale skin, and he winced as blood dripped from the puncture wounds. GingerBeer grinned evilly at this display of pain, and Sebastian cursed inwardly.

"You're the one with the same name as two other people when we haven't even heard a single person named 'Jonathan Christopher' in our entire lives!" BotulisticCaboose screeched from another room.

"Technically that's Cassandra Clare's fault—" Sebastian began to object, but GingerBeer cut him off.

"WHATEVER"

"Also, you do realize the fourth wall's in complete shreds now, right?"

"YUP IT'S LIKE THE TIME CRASH THING LOL" GingerBeer sounded slightly unhinged. "BELGIUMMMMM"

"That means we can kill Jeff after this!" BotulisticCaboose called again, sounded marginally more cheerful. "We can reuse the torture devices. Hopefully Sebastian's type AB+ and Jeff is type O- so Jeff's blood can agglutinate and he can die of hypoxia. Sounds fun, don't you think, _Sebastian_?" The last word was spat with a murderous glee as she returned with another whole arsenal of knives and a small strange-looking contraption, comically labeled "RADIATION MACHINE: DO NOT TOUCH UNLESS YOU WANT TO MURDER SOMEONE WITH IT!" on a cyan-colored sticky note.

"And we can also kill—" GingerBeer proceeded to rattle off a long long list of names from multiple fandoms, with BotulisticCaboose adding in others, with a few names sprinkled in that he recognized. Sebastian stopped paying attenti—

"OI, PAY ATTENTION." BotulisticCaboose scowled, throwing another knife. Sebastian yelped and squirmed, trading more puncture marks and pain in his wrists for narrowly missing the knife by an inch. "You might be the narrator but that doesn't mean you get to do whatever." She flipped open a hatch on the radiation machine's top, revealing a big red button.

"GingerBeer, you're on button duty this time, since I did it to Hodge last week."

"Geh? But I thought I already killed Hodge—" Sebastian stammered.

"Ooh, yay!" GingerBeer interrupted, bouncing gleefully over, stopping to flick another knife at Sebastian. "Yeah, no, we're pulling a Teselecta and time-traveling. Also, GREAT BIG THREATENING BUTTON!" She gleefully pushed the said great big threatening button and ran out of the room, pushing BotulisticCaboose out as well. They watched Sebastian, protesting and squirming, through a glass window in another room. And GingerBeer— _was she recording it?_

"Yup, now shut up and die!"

Sebastian struggled but had to obey. The entire time, BotulisticCaboose and GingerBeer were clearly laughing their insane heads off, and GingerBeer's phone camera was directed straight at him.

The end.

* * *

**24\. YAY ALEC**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Alec stabbed Magnus's dad when said jerka*s attempted to kill Magnus. The end.

* * *

**25\. Yay Magnus**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Sebastian made the horrible mistake of walking in on Alec and Magnus in their incredibly dark, cramped, subatomic closet with an extremely sturdy bed only big enough for two people to be glued together on. Magnus burned him to a crisp. The end.

* * *

**26\. "NOPE," the fandom shouted.**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

Camille was in a restaurant during the day. Angry vengeful Malec shippers burst through a crack they had battered in the fourth wall, shoved her into the sunlight, and mobbed her until she died. Then they trooped back to their own world to reread TMI. The end.

* * *

**27\. no**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Maia didn't like the way Aldertree treated Simon when he locked our poor cinnamon roll up so she brought him back from the dead and tortured him to death again with radiation, chemicals, and hamsters. Did I mention hamsters? The end.

* * *

**28\. Airlock**

[GingerBeer]

For some reason Sebastian ended up on a spaceship. The TMI crew showed up and collectively shoved him out of an airlock into the cold hard vacuum of space, where he froze into a cracking corpse (Sebsicle!) and died of oxygen deprivation. The end.

* * *

**29\. Giant Death Wheel**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian made giant death wheel tanks for his army but then Magnus picked them up with his amazing warlock powers because Sebastian was threatening his bae Alec and dropped them on top of said d!ckhead so Sebastian got ripped apart. The end.

* * *

**30\. Energy Dome**

[GingerBeer]

Magnus made a giant shield energy dome thing. Sebastian tried to jump through it but instead got dragged along it until he was ripped apart. The end.

[Can you tell I was watching Infinity War? lol]

* * *

**A/N: And that was 21-30. Wow, 23 was long. Sorry for the excessive violence. **_**Again**_**. Ten more to go! They'll be posted tomorrow.**

**Thanks for staying through the crack! —[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]**


	4. 31-40

**31\. Hoist By His Own Petard**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian grabbed Heosphoros, so Clary grabbed Phaesphoros, turned it the other way, and stabbed Sebastian. Multiple. Times. He died. The end.

* * *

**32\. Jealous Jace**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Jace found out how Sebastian felt about Clary and in a fit of heavenly-fire-rage, unleashed all the heavenly fire upon his mortal enemy, dispatching him slowly and painfully. The end.

* * *

**33\. Madame Dorothea**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Madame Dorothea predicted Hodge would pull a Quirrell, so he was tied up in prison in the Silent City. He had to testify with the Mortal Sword with revealed he was indeed in league with Valentine, he was murdered slowly and painfully with strawberry yogurt and radiation poisoning. The end.

* * *

**34\. Iarlath _MUST DIE_**

[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]

THE FU*KING BASTARD ATTEMPTED TO WHIP POOR CINNAMON ROLL EMMA BUT JULIAN GOT MAD AND SLICED HIS UNWORTHY HANDS OFF AND HE BLED SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY TO HIS DESERVED FU*KING DEATH. HE IS UNWORTHY OF LOOKING LIKE GROOT. THE END.

* * *

**35\. Annabel Lee Blackthorn**

[GingerBeer]

Malcolm brought back Annabel from the dead but she was so mad at him from disrupting her eternal peace she chopped him right then and there with an iron axe and shoved his rotting body in a radiation chamber, before slitting her own throat and returning to the peacefulness of death. The end.

* * *

**36\. Why Shadowhunters Should Read Comic Books**

[GingerBeer]

_Spoilers for the MCU_

;;—;;

Zara decides to make a registry of Downworlders. Kit facepalms.

"Seriously, do you guys not read comics or something? Registration Acts are insanely common plot devices that cause huge wars and feuds and stuff and you should never make one you idiots—" He throws a copy of Uncanny X-Men #181 at Zara, hitting her in the head and causing her to stumble and fall on her butt, hair coming out of its insanely tight bun.

"Okay, let's take X-Men as an example." He throws several more comics at Zara, knocking her down again. "Mutant Registration Act. Freedom Force starts arresting everyone, people protest, general violent chaos. Now, Exhibit B!" He chucks a copy of the CACW DVD at Zara and she falls on her butt again.

"Sokovia Accords, again it's the government regulating people with superpowers, look on the cover and the fricking title, WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED? People died, more people died, the Avengers broke up and hey look THERE'S NO LONGER A UNIFIED FORCE TO OPPOSE EVIL AND _THEN_—" A copy of the IW DVD smacks Zara in the stomach, knocking her out of breath and sending her sprawling yet again.

"ALONG COMES A HUGE EVIL VILLAIN AND BECAUSE OF THE SOKOVIA ACCORDS THERE'S NO STRONG UNIFIED FORCE TO STOP SAID VILLAIN AND HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE DIE NOW IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT JEEZ I KNEW YOU WERE A BIGOTED BIASED PREJUDICED XENOPHOBIC DOUCHEBAG BUT I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE A FRICKING _GENOCIDAL_ BIGOTED BIASED PREJUDICED XENOPHOBIC DOUCHEBAG"

Glaring at Zara, he dumps a bunch of really heavy Holocaust and WWII books as well as a huge stack of comics and printouts of CACW-related materials on her. And a hammer. Because why the hell not.

Julian coughs. "Wait, that implies she's on the pro-Accords side and that she's the equivalent of Iron Man and that kinda bothers me because YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE IRON MAN YOU DOUCHEBAG"

"No, she's not Iron Man." Kit pauses. "She's Gener— sorry, Secretary of State Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross."

Mark watches bemusedly as Livvy, Julian, and Christina leap onto Zara and tear her into pieces, Christina especially vehemently.

"Uh… Sorry, _who_?"

Kit explains. Mark joins the melee, with Kit following. Zara soon dies of blunt force trauma to the chest (lol). No one loses an arm (lol). They shove her into a freezer (lol). The world cheers. The end.

* * *

**37\. GoOD OMeNs**

[GingerBeer]

Valentine tries to summon Asmodeus, as Asmodeus is a great and powerful demon. However, as he is (somehow) (PLOT CONVENIENCE) unaware of Asmodeus's name, he only specifies "fallen angel" and "vertical pupils" and ends up with a very pissed off snake demon instead.

"Okay that was a mistake you interrupted my dinner date any minute now you will see why that was a mista—"

An angel bursts in through the window and smites Valentine to ashes. The end.

* * *

**38\. Vengeance is So Very Sweet**

[BotulisticCaboose]

Emma was tired of Zara and all the Cohort's bull-cashregister so one day when she was reminded of Zara taking Cortana she busted into Alicante and murdered everyone. She saved Zara, Horace, Manuel, Gladstone, Vanessa, Paige, Timothy, Amelia, Jessica, Mallory, and Balogh for last, and handed them over the the other Blackthorns. They were all chained with spiked iron to the hard stone ground inside a Malachi Configuration. Helen stomped on all their faces with soccer cleats. Aline slit their throats just enough so it would be excruciatingly painful but not lethal. Mark jabbed his elf-bolt all over their limbs. Kieran and Windspear created a ruckus and kicked and jabbed everyone. Cristina shoved a tiny radioactive bomb in their ears timed just so the bombs would explode as they were dying. Ty stabbed them repeatedly with a knife dipped in hehe botulinum toxin. Dru blasted bad movies. Tavvy threw his (CLAY) toy trains at them and they shattered upon impact and flew into a gazillion shards that penetrated their skin and left it open and bleeding. Finally Magnus and Alec arrived and performed the honors. It was a good day. The end.

* * *

**39\. Who ELSE Would Call Themselves "The Magister"? (DW xover)**

[GingerBeer]

_[FOOTNOTES! FOOTNOTES! FOOOOOOOTNOOOOOOOTES!]_

_[FOOTNOTES THAT ARE ALMOST AS LONG AS THE ENTIRE BLESSED STORY!]_

"Get out," Tessa demanded, pressing the sharp blade of the knife against her skin. "Leave the Institute. Take your monsters with you. Or I will stab myself in the heart."

Mortmain hesitated, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.

At that moment, a strange wheezing, groaning noise reverberated through the Sanctuary. In bewilderment, Tessa slackened her grip on the ornate handle of the dagger, and it fell to the ground with a noisy clatter. Thankfully, the Magister didn't seem to notice, being too busy looking around and swearing softly under his breath.[1]

The mechanical sound had been growing louder and louder. With a final loud clang, a large blue box [2] appeared directly behind Mortmain, who cursed out loud and attempted to scramble away, forgetting Tessa entirely. However, he wasn't fast enough.

The doors of the box flew open (a bemused Tessa distantly noted that while the sign on the box read "PULL TO OPEN" in rather desperately large text, they opened _inwards_) and a tall man with ridiculously spiky brown hair hopped out, reaching out with one lanky pinstripe-clad arm to grab hold of the Magister.

"Master! _There_ you are!"[4] The newcomer dragged Mortmain, who was desperately clawing at the smooth, unhelpful floor, into his blue box before the doors snapped neatly shut and the box shakily vanished with another reluctant wheeze and a sudden whoosh of wind.

Tessa blinked, still rather shocked, before carefully clambering to her feet and stumbling toward where the strange box had disappeared. There was a large tub of some dark liquid left behind, as well as a note.

_Sorry for the whole mess with the Magister and the Pandemonium Club and all that. I'm assuming you're Shadowhunters, because, let's be honest, who else would put such a large perception filter on a cathedral in a major city? Anyway, the Master, or Mortmain, as you know him, is an old acquaintance of mine. I apologize on his behalf. This is a tub of anti-oil; it should work well in subduing the remaining Clockwork Droids he's constructed. _[5] _Again, my apologies. _

After the mess with the clockwork creatures (Clockwork Droids?) was sorted out, Tessa sought out Magnus Bane and relayed what had actually happened in the Sanctuary. She had assumed that if anyone would know what that had been about, it would be him.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'VE _ACTUALLY MET_ THE BLOODY _DOCTOR_?"

(Magnus did eventually get to meet the Doctor. Multiple times, actually. But that's another series of nearly-world-ending events.)

The end.

[1] These curses, being in a long-lost language of a long-since nearly extinct race of aliens, would not have been recognizable to anyone except the individual about to arrive upon the scene (and also said individual's daughter[2], unbeknownst to either aforementioned alien), even if they had been spoken out loud. For the information of the curious, they sounded strangely musical, as if he were singing rather than spitting out words vulgar enough to be used by a demon who has just had his best friend (or maybe more… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) destroyed using holy water by another demon.

[2] Well, technically clone. But, as Murray Gold noted, is there a better way to kick off an episode than "Hello, Dad"? This also creates the delightful paradox of: the Doctor's daughter who was childhood friends with the Doctor's daughter played the Doctor's daughter in The Doctor's Daughter then had the Doctor's daughter.

[3] More precisely, this was a London 1950's phone booth (to be specific, a Police Public Call Box), as Tessa would later realize, but as these did not exist at this time, we shall refer to it simply as "a blue box".

[4] To perhaps make this statement clearer, the author will clarify that the man in the box was not in fact referring to Mortmain as his master, but in fact Mortmain's true (or, rather, technically, _taken_) name was "the Master". Yes, I know. Psychiatrist's field day.

[5] For more explanation of these "Clockwork Droids", on which Mortmain's, or, shall we say, the Master's, Clockwork Army was loosely based, as well as the substance known as "anti-oil", kindly refer to the Doctor Who episode "The Girl In The Fireplace".

_[What? She DID say "all the stories are true".]_

_[Also, YES, this is Ten from between Voyage of the Damned and Partners In Crime. YES, memory alteration later happened (thank you, Magnus!) so nothing will interfere with The End of Time. YES, I have this entire thing completely planned out including all the tiny little irrelevant details. YES, my brain has issues.]_

_[The Master got dragged off for rehabilitation btw]_

* * *

**40\. Not Everyone Can Be Captain Jack (DW xover)**

[GingerBeer]

After he tried and failed to destroy the London Institute, Sebastian went to Cardiff because he'd heard of there being a nearly endless source of energy there and he wanted to use said energy for his evil, diabolical plans. This just happened to be during one of the Doctor's refueling sessions, and Sebastian attempted to hitchhike by grabbing the TARDIS because he wanted the power of time travel. The TARDIS, sensing the incurable evilness and utter malice that was present in Sebastian, tried to shake him off by flying to one of the extremes of time (the beginning this time; she didn't want to run into the Master again, or cross established timelines). Being exposed to the void that was the Time Vortex, Sebastian died. He didn't come back because not everyone can be Captain Jack. The end.

* * *

**A/N: I actually kind of liked 39, lol —[GingerBeer] Yeah, uh, past 41 we started losing motivation so these will be rather short and rushed. Sorry. Next one will be posted tomorrow.**

**Thanks for reading! —[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]**


	5. 41-50

**41\. What Sort Of A Name Is "Asmodeus"? (gomens xover)**

[GingerBeer]

"I'm not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley."

"Oh, I've changed it."

"Changed what now?"

"My name. '_Crawly_' just wasn't doing it for me; bit too…. Squirming-at-your-feet-ish."

"Well, you _were _a snake." There was a rather uncomfortable pause, involving a golden, slit-pupilled glare. "Erm. So, what is it now? Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?"

Another glare. "It's _Crowley_. Do I _look_ like an Asmodeus? What sort of name _is_ that? Anyway, it's taken."

"Oh?"

"Yup. Dunno why. He's a bit of a bastard, really. I mean, even more so than we usually are."

"Mm."

"Stole my eyes."

"Wait, what—"

Several thousand years later, said Prince of Hell found himself being completely thrashed by the combined forces of his cat-eyed warlock son, said all-powerful glittery warlock's Shadowhunter boyfriend, said boyfriend's biological sister, said sister's technically-dead-used-to-be-a-normal-human-then-got-vampired-then-got-rehumaned-now-training-to-be-a-Shadowhunter boyfriend, said boyfriend's best friend, said best friend's boyfriend, a snake demon in dark glasses, and said demon's angel "_friend_" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). During said melee, the aforementioned snake demon took great pleasure in being the one to dump the holy water over Asmodeus's thorn-encircled head, not just discorporating him but completely destroying him, as this was the timeline where Aziraphale and Crowley needn't have swapped, as they had both developed a moderate immunity to, respectively, hellfire and holy water, due to being on Earth for 6000 years. (Yes, the spray bottle was actually filled with [very diluted] holy water.) It was a very fun day. There were many eye compliments thrown around. Lilith arrived. Aziraphale miracled up another tub of holy water and they baptized her. The end.

* * *

**42\. In Which Sebastian Is Possessed (DW xover)**

[GingerBeer]

Sebastian, for some reason, was on a spaceship heading towards a sentient star. He was, of course, possessed, and Clary, who was also there, but not possessed, threw him out of an airlock. Clary survived, of course. The end.

* * *

**43\. Bye Zara— need a better name LOL**

[BotulisticCaboose]

The readers broke through the fourth wall (wait, didn't they already) and stampeded Alicante.

"BYE-BYE ZARA!" one person, looking suspiciously like [GingerBeer] back in Anecdote 23, screeched as she violently threw an axe at a surprised Zara Dearborn, who narrowly missed the projectile by an inch.

"Hold up," she wailed desperately. "Perhaps we can talk this out—"

"NOPE LOL"

Another person, looking suspiciously like [BotulisticCaboose], held up a rather sharp kitchen knife. You may want to stop looking now. In short, Zara died. The end.

* * *

**44\. In Which A Tragic Death Is Parodied And Made Rather Less Tragic (DW xover)**

[GingerBeer]

(Wait, didn't we already do that? Oh, well.)

Iarlath was on Platform 1 when Cassandra The Skin Lady did stuff. He held down the lever and burned to death and no one cried because he was a jerk and only followed the Doctor around for attention. The end.

* * *

**45\. SCREC (TKAM crossover) (er what)**

[BotulisticCaboose] has run out of ideas .-.

Sebastian tried to kill more people. Unfortunately he was conveniently in Maycomb in the 1930s on Halloween and Boo Radley stabbed him to death. Clary somehow arrived with the crew and they all took turns stabbing Sebastian for good measure and for revenge. Then they dragged his body home, burnt it aggressively, and dumped its ashes in the Dead Sea. The end.

* * *

**46\. Souffle?**

[GingerBeer]

Zara attempted to exercise her xenophobic views. She joined forces with the Cult of Skaro. However, Dalek Jast (he of the "SOCIAL. INTERACTION WILL. CEASE." promptly EXTERMINATEd her when it became clear that she was utterly useless to their cause. Dalek Sec, Dalek Jast, Dalek Caan, and Dalek Thay then proceeded to exterminate the entire Cohort. Then the Doctor showed up and stopped them. The end.

* * *

**47\. Big Seegul. Biiiig Angryyy Seeegul.**

[GingerBeer] is _really_ running out of ideas. Much contributed by [toxoplasmosis].

Hodge was walking down the street when a large _Larus californicus_ squawked above him. The large California gull, which was in New York for some undetermined reason, swooped down and squawked again, and he saw that it was much, much larger than usual. And glaring at him. Very glarefully. Another oversized gull, this one a _Larus occidentalis_, also very out of place and very aggravated, materialized. At the two birds' squawks, an incensed _Larus argentatus_, also extremely large and probably brought out of London, appeared. The three big angry seagulls circled over his head, squawking in some strange ritual. Suddenly, a huge flock of small angry seagulls emerged from the ether. These seagulls were _Larus smithsonianus_, _Larus delawarensis_, and _Larus marinus_. They swooped and dived above Hodge, who had stopped in rather amazed amazement. Suddenly, the first gull, the extremely, _extremely_ big and angry California gull (it seemed to grow larger and more infuriated by the second), dived down. You may want to stop looking now. The gull tore into him, its oversized eyes burning scarlet as if someone had performed a satanic ritual on it (maybe it had been _summoned _via— Never mind.), and the other two enormous gulls followed, gleefully impaling their enormously sharp beaks into— yeah. The small seagulls swooped around the scene, screeching in encouraging encouragement. They also seemed to be growing larger and angrier. The now numerous big angry seagulls joined the melee, which ended rather soon. When they flew away, only a couple of bo— yes, you get the picture. The end.

* * *

**48\. Why Are So Many People Named Like Other People (DW xover)**

[GingerBeer] is now reusing old ideas.

Mortmain found a Vortex Manipulator and travelled to the 21st century. Unfortunately for him, he landed in Cardiff. Jack was not very happy about the Year, and he phoned the Jones family, and they all held a conference over what to do with the Time Lord. Then present day Tessa showed up. And the Doctor. And the Doctor, and the Doctor, and th— ERROR.

Anyway, the Master is alive and under control. The end.

* * *

**49\. Finals**

[BotulisticCaboose] has really run out of ideas

Sebastian decided to go to a normal mundane school and dragged Clary with him. Unfortunately he died of shock when he realized finals were a thing. The end.

* * *

**50\. Valentine**

[GingerBeer] has really really really run out of ideas

Valentine received a card on February 14. Thinking it was from Jocelyn, he opened it. It _was_ from Jocelyn, as well as a multitude of Shadowhunters and Downworlders (and readers, who had once again broken the fourth wall). He died of poison gas inhalation. The end.

* * *

**A/N: DONE! Now remind me why we decided to publish this.**

**Apologies for the collective shitstorm. —[BotulisticCaboose] and [GingerBeer]. The end.**


End file.
